Sept. 28, 2022

Mr Fix It

I wear it as a badge of honor that I take on the superman cape in so many different situations. I often say "God has given me broad shoulders to carry the weight," but I now understand that I have a problem.

My problem is very common, and as you read this, I am sure you might identify with some points as well. You see when I help people, I walk away feeling full, I feel as if I have accomplished something and it brings my heart so much joy. Now you may be wondering "how is this a problem?" Follow me to the next paragraph and I will show you.

After doing the work on myself, I found out that I struggled with the need to be wanted. Now don't get me wrong, I don't need the crowd, I don't need the attention from the masses, but I often found myself needing to prove my worth to the people that matter most to me. I yearned to just be seen by them. I wanted to hear, "you're doing a good job," or "I appreciate you." I know that seems so trivial but I craved it.

I remembered I would do the very that I can't stand seeing down now, going to social media and complaining about how I didn't get the support I felt I should, and looking back those were cries for help. I was drowning in the feeling of just not feeling seen, or thinking I just wasn't good enough. I would spend countless hours going to the people saying I felt, but it often fell on def ears.

So I found myself being drawn to people in need. I would attract people who were in pain or just needed an ear to listen. I would be in the grocery store and someone would just spark a conversation with me and I could look at them and instantly know, they were going through something. So like Clark Kent, I would go into the phone booth, come out with my superman cape and I would jump into action. Their problems now would become my own. I found myself up to 3 in the morning some nights trying to figure out to solve their problems.

Oftentimes the people with the problems would be sound asleep because they knew that once they gave me the issues, I wouldn't stop until I found the solution. Once I fixed the problem, I would have such a rush, but often that rush would be short-lived and I would be chasing that rush once again. I have never done a drug in my life, I have never even sipped alcohol but I would assume that the feeling I had was like someone chasing a high.

As time went on, I forced myself to look in the mirror and focus on what I saw and be honest, I saw a person who just wanted to be seen. I just wanted to be told, I am good enough, by the people that matter most to me. I spent so much time trying to make others happy thinking it would prove my worth!

What I found out though is, you have to be your biggest fan, and you have to be okay with the fact that everyone won't get you, and everyone won't value you. That is cool, and it's a part of life, but YOU are the very thing that someone is looking for! The key is maneuvering this thing we call life while still keeping your morals and values.