Saying how you feel will never ruin a real connection with a person! Why am I starting off like this? Well one of the hardest things I have to constantly say to myself on a daily bases is how there is nothing wrong with me! Now that sounds crazy, but so many of us prioritize the needs of others over our own, that many of us find ourselves saying sorry immediately even though we are the ones deserving the apology.
We find ourselves changing things about ourselves to make another person comfortable. We find ourselves complimenting others but finding it hard to give yourself props. Our happiness is often attached to other peoples approval of ourselves.
I struggle with this but I am not ashamed to voice it publicly either! I have learned that on this journey I am on, it is important that I am vocal and transparent because you never know who is watching you and who you might be inspiring. I read that "One soul's testimony is another soul's roadmap."
One thing that I started doing was looking within myself and seeing why I am the way that I am. Why do I react to certain things the way that I do. This is so critical because if you don't tackle the "why" you will often see things through the lens of your trauma.
You see so many of us grow up thinking that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or somehow because you can hold things in your a strong person. Listen, I appreciate people who are honest that what they have went through did not make them tough! I applaud people who admit that what they have went through made them more sensitive and feeling not worthy. You see that is a person who has done the work and is able to look at themselves for who they are! I am most comfortable around those type of people, because they get it, they know they are flawed and they are on the journey to heal!
You see when you haven't dealt with your trauma or even admitted that you have it, your a dangerous person and here is why. If you haven't looked in the mirror and been honest with what you see, you will look through a lens that isn't your prescription. You will find yourself trying to occupy time with things. You can never sit still, you always have to be apart of something, you have to do things that you can get a pat on the back for. What makes matters worse is because you haven't addressed or acknowledged your issues, you can't respect what anybody else is going through and this is why it often is hard for you to have meaningful relationships.
You change friends like you change clothes because you might only relate to them for specific things. Like if you work together or went to school with each other, you find yourself only having that in common BUT it is because you haven't been your authentic self, thus anything outside of that environment you have nothing in common because they don't know the real you.
You spend your time being a robot and you have to be the person who always have it together and nothing bothers you that you find yourself on the outs simply because you have a hard time being sympathetic to their real problems and issues.
In your relationships you really suffer because when you haven't been honest about your trauma, it shapes your beliefs about relationships in very negative ways. You will then have a bias how you perceive your partners actions causing you to see them in the worst sense.
You see when you're on the road of recovery and learning who you really are, anger of your past turns into empathy for others. In your relationships you learn what healthy communication really is and you learn how to deal with conflict.
I will leave you with this, we must give ourselves grace and space to grow. If your 20+ that means you have 20+ years of trauma that will not change over night! Healing doesn't not have a end date, and you will find yourself healing your whole life!
You're not going to wake up tomorrow and boom, you have everything figured out! The goal should be increasing your self awareness and self compassion. Learn who you are and be honest with that and doing that, you won't pass down "generational curses." The goal is to understand the journey, not master it.